Just before we get into this, I have backspaced a few times thinking about my first blog next to my Intro, so bear with me but sit with me (maybe grab some tissues it can be a little emotional for sensitive heart strings).
I chucked a sickie (had a sick day from work for the non-Aussie slang readers) and got a phone call from the doctors to come back in to get the results as soon as I could. “Fuck, have I got Cancer?”, “What could possibly be wrong with me for me to be unable to walk without aching?”.
I sprung out of bed (like my legs magically were fine – but they weren’t, it killed my life later). I ran to the bathroom and flung the cupboards open, reaching for the stick to pee on. Yes, a fresh new pregnancy test!!!!!!!!! I sat, took the lid off and I don’t even think a drop landed yet and it read || (If you have had a pregnancy test before, you KNOW what that means). Fucking, PREGNANT!
I was 24 years old at the time, living and working a life in the big city of Sydney. I moved away from the west, from my Family (My dad and four brothers), my friends (AKA sisters) and everything else I knew. To be with a guy that was soon to be my baby daddy..
Baby daddy already had two little girls (that we barely saw or I barely saw, shall I say) and an absolute headache of an ex. I also just landed a good gig of a job AND just started Uni. So, the tears just ran because at that very moment *staring at this stick with barely any pee on it*, I knew things were going to be difficult. To keep it or not to keep it.
It wasn’t just difficult, it was horrid!! I experienced the most lowest point in my life. Went on to find out at 19 weeks she was sick (she had chromosome issues and gastroschisis) and that very morning I was about to abort at an abortion clinic that I obviously did not do but walked out and went to the hospital instead to carry on with my pregnancy with guilt rushing through my blood. To even think I could go to a clinic and consider it. I wanted it but felt pressured and lost myself through the process. Push come to shove – I was doing me and nobody was telling me otherwise, I was keeping it.
Given her sickness and uncertainty around the pregnancy, weeks of testing, testing, more testing, researching, tears and heart ache and hearing nothing positive, I agreed to terminate (also approved from the Board of Ethics). Deep down I was hoping the Board would come back Declined saying she was going to be fine. But nope, all signs were shouting at me, telling me that it’s just not our time, my time. I wanted her so badly but never was I going to let her go through such pain.
Twenty-six weeks pregnant and I was in labour at RPA hospital giving birth to a little girl that I knew was not going to cry, move or take home with me. I was scared but so desperate to see her little face. And when I did she looked so peaceful, so tiny, so perfect as if nothing was wrong with her but there was. That day I became a Mother, to a little girl named Skye. The greatest gift that life could ever give, but not quite the gift I was expecting.
I was so lost in a daze for months, I just went through such a shit time of my life that was meant to be one of the greatest. When I left the house all I stared at was babies and kids thinking of what she would look like now?, What would life be like? and on those thoughts ran every second of every day. I tried to standup and ground myself and get some stability back in life by leaning onto my baby daddy which was pretty useless because we just became the “toxic couple”. We were both drowning and grieving in our own ways and eventually it sadly ended. (Didn’t end entirely – its a long and complicated story for another day Hun).
Eventually, I pulled through with the help of love and nurture from my support network surrounding me! To see at Skye’s funeral, all of my support surrounding me was such a warm feeling of home and love filled my empty heart. So much love, I realised how much I took it for granted. Except, there was 1 person missing.
That person was my Mother. When I’m hit with losses in life and I’m hanging low, I get mad at her for choosing not to be here. She should be here guiding me through life (sometimes I wonder if she would of smacked the shit out of me for the things I got up to lol no joke I would probably be dead). I was the only girl, leaving me with 4 brothers and a father that had no idea about periods, boys (from a girls perspective of course but I did get a lot from a boys perspective – bless), contraceptives or just having a girl talk. Instead, she had taken her own life for her own reasons (that I never really understood until I grew into a woman myself) and I had only just hit 14.
“How in the world did you make it through the sassy teenage years?”, and I reply “With a struggle but with love and lots of it.” My support network, picked me up, dusted me off and guided me right through to today and helped me to become the best version I can be (maybe not physically but I’m twerking on it!)
Today I count my blessings, I am forever so grateful for the love and support around me and most importantly the 2 little gifts that call me “Mum” every second, every minute and every god damn hour of the day! Lol bless them.
Becoming a Mother without my Mother is difficult as you can imagine and I am sure the struggle will surface at times I need her the most.
I have had some wins (greatest ones) and a few losses (heavy ones) but I have accepted and embraced them all as it’s YOUR journey that will teach you many things and shape you into the person you allow it to. So my dear readers, count your blessings, know that you are loved and give love to your mother, your father, siblings, family, friends and colleagues. Appreciate your support network, be kind and always self-love (spice-up your life).
Thank you to everyone that has made a positive and negative impact on my life because my heart has learnt to be kind, my mind fierce and my spirit brave and all with a sprinkle of self-love.
Tribute to my Mother who is sadly not here with us. I chose this topic because this year in August, 15 years ago was when we lost her #mumfeels. And also celebrating her, what would of been 50th! Sending all my love to her and I hope she’s dancing like a queen in the sky with my little girl.
Twice the love for my support (you all know who you are) and of course to my beautiful readers.